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another late night thought.

One thing I realize about myself...is how scared shitless I am of 'the ending'. As all journey's begin, so too must they end. It is the hardest to, perhaps, leave that journey behind. One thing, and it took me a year to realize it, was that my greatest adventure in Wales wouldn't be exploring the emotional vulnerablility of desire, or traveling without the protective and close range gaze of my parents, or even mustering the courage to finally be myself and recognize that dreams can change and will change- that there is a difference between stubbornness and persiverence. No, my greatest adventure there was learning that all journies must come to an end and most importantly- that it was okay so let go.

Recently I have gone back and reread my blogs about my time there, and in truth it still doesn't seem all that long ago. But newer memories are begining to cloud the details, and much like rain clouds cover a land scape my mind can no longer shine on every blade of grass I sat next to on the days I found time to randomly sit outside. I had spent the past year tangling my fingers deep into those memories and refusing to let go. Every ounce of me pleaded with some unknown force for whatever it was I missed to return, to never leave. But I was wrong, for it had never left and instead it had become poison. I am still reeling from the effects of that poison, and I am still copeing with the idea that one of my most prominant life journies was over. The problem is, and I'll quote a rather popular film/ book here..."How do you pick up the threads of an old life?....Slowly you start to realize, there is no going back." I was changed over there, and I was changed for keeps. Better or Worse, I still dont know. But some part of me longs to relive those memories,...But Iguess thats were waiting for heaven comes in. I'll relive them there, but for now it's time to create my own  new journies. I guess I've finally found my goal...to top the last journey until my ultimate one hits.

The end scares me more than I can say...it's my greatest fear. Like all Journies, I hate to begin them because I hate to end them.....But as Dumbledore said- "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live"

I guess that concludes random rambles. Time for bed...i do have school in the morning.

A letter to Persephone.

My dearest Persephone,
      In that fluid thing called time your soul was scattered, and since that fateful day when I ignorantly thought mans magic would not bound you in pieces to their own entrapment I have search for you. But, as it is that you may never actually read this highly mundane thing, I suppose I should skip what man may never comprehend. Today, I found Maria, a sweet Italian lady who's parents came from the continent of Africa, on Earth in what will be called the Milky-way Galaxy. Should I need to detail a further address I might actually stop this rubbish I've already begun. As what man call gods, or what they now refer us to as angels, we were separated as nothing can exist out of time. We must remain messengers of nothing, communicating with everything. You know I understand it possibly better then other fragments since it so happens my own soul called forth those souls from the wide universe in time and space to the land of nothing. I was their guide, as there are many others with my abilities. But when I saw, or what I can only describe as saw, you on this tiny planet all alone in it's own galaxy- the fragment that caused this floating rock to bloom with water and plants. Creatures were able to arise from your fragments aura...and with their life, so to did you gain life. I understood at that moment that I could gain life, existence, feelings, and so then fell to that lowly rock. I gained a human form, became bound by time, I had no choice- for it took the existence of even a thought to make me fall. And so as someone who knew nothing of existence and yet everything about it- I gained a superior existence to man. Our fragment powers were bound when we became attached to time, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. But it was our fragments that also created life, and we exceeded man who was born to time in the first place.

It was in wandering the expanse of time, never being able to leave, but being able to travel- I realized how much I loved you. Unlike other fragments, you were born to time from another fragment, and thus know nothing of the world beyond. You know the seasons, and you would die and rebirth every year with them. It wasn't long till you too formed a human body and like a phoenix illuminated the world. It was your earth, and your mothers fragment. It was beautiful. It was ignorance.

But man, like all creatures with souls, maintain a connection to the nothingness they call the afterlife. This connection allows them some more powerful abilities, and for some unexplainable reason they found a way to capture you, and infect you. My ignorance as what they called god had settled deep in my roots, and I had no fear you would return for the next spring in your human form to our rolling hills....you did not. Destruction happened, and your human form was eliminated, your soul scattering across time. I resume to my present day situation, the year on Earth is 1964 AD. Maria is putting me up in her house, teaching me what it means to be a human. She reminds me of you, although I know it is only because she has a piece of your soul locked in her. A piece which I will be taking back as soon as she passes on tragically. From what I hear it will be a car accident tomorrow morning on her way to the market. I haven't told her- it always seems to induce panic and thus only makes things worse. They taint your soul with fear, and it will be fault.

But enough of that, for she is teaching me the art of writing. I know all languages, and tongues-....but I cannot say I have ever written. It was much what I expected it to be, as if I knew the feeling. But it was new as far as my brain could remember. I sit here at a table near an open window, overlooking the city streets in Verona, and I suppose that is where my real letter should have begun. There is a popular story by a human named William Shakespeare. A tale of a man and a girl- Romeo and Juliet. It is a fatal tragedy that steals a man from the woman he loves because of a family feud. Honestly, it's a bit tripe.

But how much do I sympathize with Juliet. How much I understand...and despise that I do so. I fell before I could stop myself, I became 'myself', and in doing so made everything for you, life and death go hand in hand, and yet i am without my life. Literally. How I miss your hair as it blew in the wind- unable to tangle. Your eyes, so human when I looked, and so how lovely they were. Humans are beautiful...and yet sometimes I must bring myself to wonder why it is I chose to become that creature which can be just as crude and shallow as loving and blissful. It is because they are the one creature that understands it to the fullest. Yes other animals feel it, and so why then did we choose not to be ducks. I could have loved you just as much with four hoofs and a pair of antlers as Artemis so chooses to roam. I could have loved you with a fin and snout just as much. But the truth is, I could not. In this place called time where things exist, only one species on this place called Earth knows the truest extent of emotions...

There are times I regret not choosing to be an animal that could be your soul mate for life. Bound by an affection that we have no words for because our language has no words. Today, I cannot describe what it was that made me choose a human form...except that I wanted their tragic screwed up love...because it is the one power that can extend out of the binds of time and into the nothingness. After all, it's what made me fall to you isn't it?

I will keep searching for your soul...until we can be together.....I believe our fragments to be unique to only each other. This life cannot have itself without death or visa versa as i have said. And so as death, I will search for life.....and somewhere out there I pray you too are searching for me.


-Hades.

WALES the adventure. A P.S. note.

P.S. from the sunshine state. (actually, I hear that is florida, but whatever…California is better anyway. Less gators)
It’s 3:43 in the morning and I think it’s finally about time I sit down and write this thing out. Watching ‘P.s. I love you’ was not only a sign but a big inspiration to finally do what I need to. I’ve been acting the past couple months as if some part of me has died. As if someone close to me, died and I not only ran away but completely left the country. A part of me that I loved with all my heart. See, there is this thing about the United Kingdom that continuously draws me back there. I can’t quite describe it, but I like to think it’s simply magic. Maybe, this is what magic is. Well in that case, the sorcerer responsible for making me in love with a country can continue to hex me all they wish. I’ll never grow tired of the visions of brilliant green landscape and ancient ruins poking up on the cliffs plaguing the inside of my eyelids. I doubt anyone will read this. As time goes on, I realize I am a bit slower than most at letting go. It’s so hard to watch the excitement that had once filled my eyes, fill the eyes of the people around me. What will happen to them, I wonder? What will they experience? I guess I should probably warn any possible trinity readers, that a good amount of people plan to travel to your school next year. I can only hope they will have all that I experienced, and that you guys will show them how to really down their alcohol and party like a real rock star. I trust you all wholly with that task. Show them what going to college is really like, none of this commuter school crap. Most of all, I trust you all to show them the magic that your country  and style of theater holds, if only in the kindness you show them and the excitement you instill in them. I know you all will do great. Yes, I’m jealous. I have said many times I would do anything to go back. But I guess this entire episode made me realize something really important about myself. I hate ending the chapter. But my chapter abroad ended in may, and I am still working my absolute hardest to move on. That, of course is my own challenge, and one I must unfortunately face alone. I don’t know how long it will take or how much it will affect me, but I feel a little more ready. Perhaps one day I will be able to smile out of honest excitement then pure green envy. They all look so happy and excited to go. But is it so wrong to want to keep it mine? I guess in a way that is wrong, because the experience will always be mine. Apparently I like silly questions.
Anyway, this message isn’t supposed to be a long one. Just a short update on me, and of course I love to hear from you all. Upon returning home to California, I cried so hard into my mother’s shoulder I never thought I’d stop. So many emotions, and I had sworn on the plane that I would keep a straight happy face. But god did I miss her. I missed all my family. She took me to my favorite place to eat, California Pizza Kitchen, and I was treated to my favorite Chipotle Chicken Pizza without the chicken. It was a time I will never forget. That night, sleeping in my own bed…it felt like I was returning to a long lost comforting memory. I slept well. The summer was a blur of getting classes, trying to reconnect with my roommate and get a new apartment (which we did by the way, it’s bigger and prettier), and throwing fabric every which direction trying to cough up a couple costumes in order for the con rush. I really can’t say much happened out of the usual. I saw my old friends, caught up with everyone and enjoyed my summer to the best of my ability. The best I think was walking along the beach and talking to Erica about my time in Wales. We stayed out so long that I got burnt really badly. I was peeling for weeks haha. But it’s not the same. I don’t have the same solid comfort as I did before I left. People change. It’s something everyone must learn. While I was stuck in the dream that was 5 months in the United Kingdom, experiencing life like I would never dare to do so at home, people at home were living and experiencing their own lives. People were growing apart from old friends, and growing close to new ones. In a way, I feel a little left behind- as though I have not changed at all. It’s endearing to see them all, but you can’t help but feel slightly detached from them and their world. Don’t worry folks, I fully intend to stick my proud self back in there. But still….our paths have separated a bit, and for now I guess I must grow content with the idea of looking at them through trees. The only people I feel I can connect with are Alberie and other study abroad students who don’t seem to understand what to do with themselves now that they are home. I don’t think anyone here knows exactly what to do with themselves now that they are home. Yes, get up and continue on with my life and my ambition. But I read something in a book recently. “Don’t forget the past, used it to make you stronger”.     


  -<3 Stefani M. Johnson
        
       p.s. ………..I’ll see you all soon.
 


And a little exercise I would like to try.
Write out the 10 most embarrassing moments of your life. Well, I’m switching it up a bit. 10 most embarrassing moments that I had in Wales. Maybe this will not only help me get rid of the need to constantly bring it up, maybe not. Hopefully it does something. But I thought I’d give it a try. Of course, it only works if I make it public right?  (keep in mind, these are not in any specific order, just as I am coming up with them.)
  1. Talking to Simon Mullins the first week about my entire sexual life without any prompting. Ohh yah, that was a total face palm right there.
  2. Getting Jeffery and I lost around London after proudly boasting I knew where I was going. Best part was, I at least stopped to ask directions later.
  3. Taking on a Spanish Guy in a hostel in Edinburgh since he was yelling at me to go out into the hallway if I was going to be so loud- when I wasn’t moving. He later ate my kebab and I forgot my phone at that same hostel to top it off- Alberie going back to get it for me since I was being the world’s largest drama queen- that’s the embarrassing moment.
  4. Drinking WAAAAY too much on my birthday. Way too much. At least I impressed the bartender even a little.  Also, the porcelain god and I are now very well acquainted.
  5. Same night, but embarrassed that Alberie sat up all night with me while I was retching my stomach to shreds and crying like a baby. Really smooth Stef.
  6. Breaking that glass in Ireland while trying on South Africa’s leather jacket….then offering to clean it up, stupidly which only seemed to piss the bartender off more.
  7. Sitting in the girls bathroom on the first floor of the union like a pathetic idiot. Need I say more?
  8. Drunk messaging old crushes on facebook. ----- SERIOUSLY. People need to restrain me before I act like an idgit.
  9. All the times that my journal entries turned into sappy depressing slop because I can’t seem to get that I screwed up and that no one really cares, especially not guy I messed up with.
  10. The way I hung on people while I was drunk. Needless to say, drinking that much is not exactly on my schedule ever again. Also- how easily I got goaded into things while I was drunk. Seriously- what happened to pride and my solid image here?
    So I’m back into the stressful school life that is Cal State Fullerton. Impersonal, stressful, and lonely as always…..….what has everyone else been up to? Reply to my face book or here, either or…I always love hearing from you.
So, It's been a while since I've blogged on my own. You know, just for shits and giggles- every week an update on whats going on in Stefaniland. Well to be honest, I miss it, and since Im finding it hard to get a good ear these days, I figure there is always a place I can post and feel listened too. I have to say, over the past couple months I have found more solstice in writing then in anything else. Odd, that I usually hate it because it always seems to take too long. My min works faster then my fingers can hit the keys. I'm rambling, anyway...well- since I've come back from Wales I've had a lot going on. Just to hit a few...;




Staring at the sink of blood and crushed vineer...Collapse )

-<3 Stef.

P.s. I love you...


Alright Alright, dont start- I know what you're going to say. It's been done before...

I know and I cease to care. Last year I went to Mickeys Halloween Party and loved it, and I had a brilliant (but not so original) idea. Why not cosplay Kingdom Hearts in Disneyland for the Halloween party. Because of the construction in California Adventure they have moves the party to Disneyland. I personally want to take advantage of this before the new half of CaliAdv opens to the public in summer 2012. Besides, I want a full group, not just two or three random characters. Most of you have kingdom hearts cosplays already or know someone who does, all it takes is borrowing a wig for a weekend and pulling some clothes out of the closet......SO PLEASE HEAR ME OUT.

I want this group SUPER BADLY, so badly...it hurts.

I'd offer to pay everyones entry  but...er...well...thats a bit tight.

The good news/ concept.



Ventus- Cindy? //// Aqua- me //// Terra-Blayze?
The concept is casual clothing. Basically you go into your closet and find something simple and nice. From there I was going to help make everyone's "accessories". Basically, I will work with everyone to help them peice together a casual outfit the represents their character fully, and if anything needs to be made, I'll make it for you.

I also want these three.


Kairi- Jennifer? /// Riku-??? /// Sora-???

I kind want the photos to be like the predecessors taking the younger ones to Disneyland. Thats the overall concept. Same goes for these three as for the others. I will personally help you pic out the outfit and then make anything that needs to be made. I kinda want these guys to be shorter then me but at this point, I'll take anyone i can get for these three. Just have to make you guys look younger with make up muwahha.

I posted this a year ago and I know there were a couple of you guys interested. So if you still are, I'd love to have you. SERIOUSLY- LOOOOVVEE!


Bad news;

Bad news number 1:
The date- and this will kill a lot of you. But because it is cheaper and they allow earlier entrance time, the date I chose was
Monday October 3rd.
We'd be entering the park around 4 to 5 pm. this is a huge turn off for a lot of you, and I just want to say this date is negotiable- however for right now this is the set date. Tickets will need to be purchased by the end of the month in order to get the right amount.

I WILL HELP PAY FOR THE WILLING PHOTOGRAPHER WHO WANTS TO JUMP AROUND DISNEYLAND WITH US.


bad news number 2:
Ticket prices are 45$ for those with passes and $50 for those without them. If you plan to buy them at the door they are $65. I can only help pay for the photographer, so everyone who participates will need to pay their way in. BUT COME ON GUYS....disneyland! cosplay....ugh I know. it's an awful number to look at.

Anyone who needs somewhere to stay that night can stay at my apartment in Anaheim which will be a 5-10 minute drive.



Another note: Disneyland paraphernalia will be provided to all members of the group by me. Trust me, I have enough to go around.


So any takers? Please I'm begggggginnnngggg you guys. T.T

Cosplay List--- ((huge updates))

So, Ax2011 is over and I'm finding myself cosplay confused. What's next and where to go? Good questions, which, unfortunately I have no answer to. So I complied YET ANOTHER cosplay list in hopes of figuring out whats going on. Mainly this post will be for me to look back on, since it will be more organized then a simple album on my facebook, but it will also be a place where you guys can view and correct it if I get something wrong or if you want to add something. I make no promises this will remain the only list I have-....I have a habit of posting these multiple times a year. But for now, here is the latest and greatest post.

Besides, I'd rather play with this type of post then attempt to foil my writers block and type a con report. I was never very good at those anyway.

 

im not lying so why is it growing?Collapse )
 


As Always, feel free for input or corrections. I need YOUR help to get this thing sorted out lol.
-<3 Stef


Just Comment Here with Input.

The last blog.

It’s hard to figure out what to do with a bunch of rocks. I mean, you could keep them and let them gather dust on a shelf- a mere shadow of the memories they represent, or you could collect more and make something from it- keeping the meaning and memories in a more solid form that you can pass down being something with story. But, what I did…well….very much nothing at all, and yet everything worth a meaning to me.

I’m typing this before I leave, because it doesn’t feel right to post my last blog after I leave. It’s almost too much closure and in a way I don’t want to know the final ending scene while I type this. I want this, like all the other blogs, to be in the moment. I want this blog to be a part of the story so that it can keep it too. Right, so here is how it goes; I say some mushy, sentimental, and overly cheesy stuff and then I do individual shout outs, and then I say some more tear jerking stuff and then cry myself to sleep. Yup that’s the plan at least. Stick with me friends….this is going to be a long one.

But First…a video.

 


((in case that doesn't work- here is a link))

[AND BECAUSE MY VIDEO EDITING SOFTWARE SUCKS- the song I wanted to add can’t be added so I’ve decided to link it and recommend people listen to it as they read. Yup.  So here be the link--- Bryan Adams: I Will Always Return (Finale) ]

Please Watch the video first and then listen to the song- if only for the sake of keeping my cheesy idea of 'feel' for the piece. Plllleeeeaaaseee?!

Forgive the video quality- if youtube hasn’t banned it yet. Had to switch to megavideo since the video is a good 20 minutes. Please make sure you haven’t watched 70 minutes of video before seeing this. Like I said, it’s a good 20 minutes. I hope you enjoyed the video, because I did making it. Cried myself to sleep a couple of times after working on it, but hey- that was the point. There were a lot of photos that didn’t make it in, either because they were waaaay too blurry or because I didn’t own them. Many of my best memories don’t have photos- and in a way that is how it should be. There are people I wish I had more photos of to put in, and some well…some I captured all too well. Again, thanks for watching.  I just wish I had more photos of us as an entire group.

So….

Last blog….here it finally is…too soon. Yup definitely too soon. It’s all been one crazy, amazingly messed up dream, and-

Ugh! I’m just so gutted! How to go on?! WHY THE BLEEDING HELL DID I STUDY ABROAD IN THE FIRST PLACE?! Mark my words I will come back! Mark them! I honestly can’t fathom being away from his place too long, it’s become home to me. To a huge part of me, and who I am, this place is permanent. I remember the first night I arrived here, the car ride and the way the landscape resembled a black sea with only the occasional flickering lights. There was the moment I stepped into the tiny room that would be my bedroom, and how odd it felt. How very odd. I remember pulling back the curtains and looking into the rolling sea with flickering lights and thinking- ‘what will it look like in the morning?’. I almost stayed up, because I was so excited to see what was out there. I was so very excited. Who was out there, what could I discover, where could I go, when will the sun freaking rise, how will I ever be able to leave…

To go from a place where the world seems to face only the future and live in the bright shining new to a place mystery and ancient whispers peak through the creations of the new generation. A world combined with everything I knew….and everything I wanted. Maybe now I will finally be able to start writing that stupid book I’ve had in my head for years, this place did not fail in giving me the inspiration I was looking for. Every piece of me is screaming at me to stop, to dig my nails into the earth so hard that they break- if only so I could stay. I have never felt peace in myself as much as I have here. But I guess that going home only makes this place that much more special. Things in rarity are made more valuable because they cannot be taken for granted. It felt like it’s only been a week…it felt like I only got to ‘live’ for a short time. In a way, it's like staring into the most perfect summer day; The sun and it's soft, warm, rays dancing delicately upon the perfect moments as friends pass the ball while others fly a kite and the rest sit on the picnic blanket taking silly photos and joking about the previous nights television show. Getting to go in and experience it all to the fullest. Forgetting the window you had once stood behind watching the scene and wishing, because your wish has come true- every last bit of it.....and then they tell you, soon you have to leave. Panic sets in; have you done everything you wanted to do, did you get all the souvenirs you promised everyone, I don’t want to go home, have you kept the room clean so you get your money back, have you tried re packing to see if you could fit everything, did you make plans with friends at home so you don’t sit around like a lethargic slug your first week back, I don’t want to go home, have you checked your grades, made sure you are still focusing on the class till the end, I don’t want to go home, did you get all the partying in to satisfy you for a year, I don’t want to go home, did you take all the pictures you wanted, did you make sure you had that Italian night, maybe that curry night, i don’t want to go home, did you tell everyone thanks for making it the most memorable experience of your life, I don’t want to go home, did you tell them all how much they mean to you, did you get closure, did you fix your problems, have you spoken to them one last time, and have you taken any of them aside..., I don’t want to go home, and told them how much you will miss them, I don’t want to go home, have you said it.....I don’t want to go home...said good bye....can you? I don’t want to go home.

Caroline Beasley:  Honestly, you NEED to come visit next spring. Please, I am on my hands and knees begging you. Please, begging.  I remember the moment we met, and the way you made it easy to feel at home around you. The Anne Summers party and staying up extremely late talking about our plans for London. Plans that came true. HOW OFTEN do plans ACTUALLY come true? I swear, you get on study abroad because it appeals as one giant vacation with a couple classes in between. I never fathomed I would find friends no- family here. People who I can be myself around and not feel guilty or used or unwanted with.  A person who appreciated me as a person and wanted to be my friend and so quickly, without me ever having to prove myself. Just promise me you will skype me all the time. If you ever need anything, I will fly back in a heartbeat. You have done so much for me, and I am at a loss at finding ways to repay your kindness and generosity. I’ve been scared to move on in my life, to grow any older and yet you’ve made getting older look fun and stress free. You are a strong and assertive girl with the warmest and most welcoming heart. It’s like, when I’m around you,  I’m constantly happy and I can’t even think about anything bad- because you are just so bright and optimistic.  All those movie nights, all the dinners, the random nights out and the photo shoots, all of London, all of this trip- I owe so much of it to you. Even now, I don’t know what to say. You, moving to Cardiff- geez…I just want to move in with you and start working. You give me hope and a new found determination to achieve my goals. It’s probably because you are achieving your goals every day, at least you make it seem so.  Your passion for the arts and theater is undaunted and unparalleled.  It is a great inspiration to everyone around you and everyone who is around you looks up to you. I know I do. Forever, keep going strong. You will make it and I will be cheering for you every step of the way. I’ll give it my best shot too.  Cheesy as it may be, I have a song I want you to find and listen to. – Brothers under the Sun (Bryan Adams). Just change the brothers to sisters and I think it’s a perfect song. Caroline, I will miss you with all my heart. In the end, I gained a big sister, one who I wouldn’t trade for the world.

Ollie Edwards: Where to begin? Maybe with the fact I should probably NOT be typing this on a public blog- but that’s blog right? Besides I want this to be public, because everything I have to say to you…well I’m sure the rest of the world knows about it already anyway. Besides, I will never know if you read this anyway, and sending a message does a load of good- not. You know me, queen of mello drama.  Besides, my blog, my rules, and my embarrassment. I might as well take this needy, over attentive little girl thing the whole way. You said to drop it. So I will do my best to do so because you asked me to. You are charming and witty and even better is that you are perceptive. You know how to wear arrogance and more importantly when to take it off and you have mastered the art of aloof humor. But even beneath that, you are a wealth of kindness, devotion, commitment, and perseverance. I just remember, the moment I met you- my instant thought was ‘Wow, he’s hot. But probably an arrogant dick.’ (excuse my French) And at first I was determined to think that, because what guy can ever act that cool and NOT be self involved? But you proved me wrong, and that stunned me. Well anyway, you know how I feel- I’ve made it clear, at least I hope I have, and I’m pretty sure you’ve made it clear how you feel. God gave me what I wanted most from this trip and I had thrown it away, and I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will seriously envy the girl who gets you in the end. But I must thank you, because you made me stronger. If I owe this trip to anyone, in helping me grow as a person, it is you.  You helped shape me, and because of that I will never let you go. You have the talent and confidence to take yourself far in life. I pray that you get everything you dreamed of, that voice acting gig you wanted, all the pro wrestling tickets you dream for. You deserve them, and I have no doubt in my mind that the world can expect great things of you. You have what it takes to break out, and you will realize it one day. I have faith in you and know that you will always have a friend and fan in me. Should you ever need me, I WILL be there, all you have to do is ask. And should you ever come to California, for the love of god, if I find out you avoid me and pay for an expensive hotel I will hunt your ass down, Oliver. Anyway, I guess this is farewell…I do hope one day to see you again. I’ll miss you too much. Break a leg, stranger.

Alberie Hansen: Oh god. You have no idea…how hard it is to type this. I could NOT have asked for a better person to have studied abroad with. I guess, it shouldn’t really be this hard, since we will be able to see each other when we return home. God knows we plan to sob our hearts out together in the back seat on the ride to the air port. I’ll probably cry even more when you board your plane back first and I’m left alone in the terminal for 6 hours awaiting the flight I dread the most. I just don’t know what to say. First wales and what I like to think is us as the three musketeers. Jeffery starring as Porthos, the fun loving and overly optimistic joker of the gang, You as Athos- the mysterious one, and myself as Aramis or the one who is bound by every good moral and law of pride to keep Jeffery at bay. It’s sad now that one of us is already gone and soon the next two will split up. It’s a been a series of adventures in a world we took on together with heads held high and hearts open for opportunity. Even now the ‘meeting point’ holds nothing but golden memories for me. It was the beginning of a story for three excited teenagers. Now, as the pages come to a close, it is the ending memoirs of three adults. But there simply must be a sequel.  We have a homeland to conquer as well, not just for ourselves but for everyone over here who has shaped us without even trying. It simply can’t be the end to our hilarious Disney nights, supernatural marathons, and various nights ranting and raving about guy problems which in the end would ultimately lead to how much we would miss this place, it’s people, and it’s adventure and in the end how very stupid emotions were because now we were both sobbing.  Again, I restate, there must be a sequel. I can’t thank you enough for listening to me every day rant about myself and for always being there when I needed someone desperately. You’ve been strong and friendly for me and never have you turned me away. Your gentle kindness and bright sense of wonder for the world around you is amazing and I will always choose you as the person I can count on to go dancing in the rain with. I know when I listen to ‘eye of the tiger’ I will forever be reminded of you and just how grateful I am that it was you who was by my side for this entire trip, and how much you now mean to me as a friend. So throw the thin mint cookie and shout that you’re done, but let me ask…are we really?

Cat Evans: We are getting married, you are ripping up my passport and I am staying here forever. I have never met a person that I hit it off so quickly with before you. Our first night and ‘sex on the beach’- geez we moved fast haha. Then after, you always came up and danced with us, had fun with us. It was like you had always been a part of the group. I will never forget you and Jeffery and all the fun you guys picked at each other. You took my job when I needed a break. You are the most amazing and beautiful person, not because of your looks (although they are gorgeous as well), but because of your heart. If Disney princesses were real, they would act like you. You seriously remind me of a princess. Whimsical and gentle, but with the kindest and biggest heart that just bleeds for everyone without any expectation of anything in return. I wish I could return everything you have given me on this trip. I couldn’t have asked for a better singing partner. I’m just glad we stayed friends the whole time, and you did things for me which no one else would have ever done. You made the effort, you did the work- you picked up my pieces when I refused to do so. You are the ear I can always count on to listen and likewise I will always be the ear for you. It was like having a twin of myself and definitely you are a sister I can never let go. I’ll be shattered to not have you within a short reach of me. I already miss you, and I’m not even gone yet. Cat, keep up your courage and unyielding kindness. Always keep your chin up, and when you don’t feel beautiful physically, you show your spirit with a confidence and regality of a queen because your spirit can never ever look ugly. Never let go of yourself and never be afraid to cry. That in and of itself is strength.  Let your conscience be your guide and always follow the star in your heart. All the pain you feel only makes you stronger, and with the amount of things you are going through and surviving each and every moment- you will be a mountain of the most majestic kind.

Amy Griggs: Oh boy. More paragraphs that I just don’t know where to begin with. Castles, photographs, wrestling, laughter, pancakes (crepes), hair, etc….just…. 90% of my memories here have you in them. In case you didn’t notice the video, you practically filled it like Caroline. You are just so enlightening and mature. You have been the biggest help when I needed someone to help me sort myself out and you have always been inviting and sisterly to me. You know, honestly, I got along better with Jess at first- and then getting to Trinity, ugh. I just don’t want to leave, especially back to a Fullerton without you. I wish so much that I could have gone to Disneyland just once with you  guys. You have been such a friend to me and I am not ashamed to call you family in a way. I will always remember the first weekend at Trinity and your car rolling by. It was weird to see you here when I knew you there. It brings tears to my eyes that now I will be returning there and there will be no Amy Griggs there. I just don’t know what to say. My utmost gratitude to you for willingly taking me under your wing and always being the ear willing to listen and the voice to echo wisdom and patience. I couldn’t have survived this trip without you. I look up to you soooooo much.  I will miss you even more.

Andy Gregory: Dude. Just- thanks. You’ve been a great pal to hang with and always a healthy dose of ‘guy’ time. I’m gunna miss Fullerton without you. I know Bill already does haha. Your hard work and general calm perception of your tasks always made me jealous. You’ve impressed me and made me want to work harder at what I do. That is what I have to thank you most for. But also for making me feel so welcome not only here at Trinity but even at Fullerton- which is a little backwards. The bonfire was probably one of the funnest nights of my life. I had an absolute blast. I also now know what you felt when you were leaving California. It just sucks….You have to come back to California, and like wise I’ll definitely be back in Wales. See you in the industry, I’ll need myself a proper techie if I ever hope to make a decent piece of work. Keep up the amazing work, and keep showing it off. You’re good at polite bragging haha.

Jeffery Han: Hello Porthos. That’s what I’m calling you, aside from Macbeth. Macbeth and Banquo. Porthos and Aramis. I just remember the moment I was in the airport hugging my mother goodbye and on the verge of tears, and you came up calling my name in that goofy manner you always did there after. It was the first time I heard it, but I was instantly smiling. You always had the power to make me instantly smile. You also willingly took my jabs and jibes and turned them into pleasant comedy and a time for a good laugh. You really embodied optimism to the fullest and I think everyone had something to learn from you in the way of taking everything in stride. I have missed you this last month, more then I could fathom I would. I was sad we couldn’t sit in the air port the same as we had when we left- chatting about plots and plans we had for our time. We made an awesome team and I can’t wait to go back to Fullerton and see you again. It was just blast. Alberie and I will drag you to Disneyland- we’ve already made that plan. But there is a different note, thank you for always working to keep me happy and smiling. I will never forget our chat in front of Carmarthen Castle eating subway on a bench and spilling every ounce of our feelings. Then again with Alberie and joking about kebabs of malice and more schemes that would makes us laugh again. All the times you acted like the fool because you just didn’t care, and how much it inspired everyone. Everyone loved you, and I know I am no exception. You have been a phenomenal friend and a large part of this trip would not have been the same without you. Thank you, and hopefully- see you soon.

Mrs. Beasley & Mr. Beasley: Thanks so much for being so welcoming and allowing us to stay at your house. It has meant the word to me. You made us feel right at home, and you taught us so much in such a short amount of time like; how to keep the bubbly, what an authentic English tea party is, what it means to have some fun, how to keep a conversation going, how to make sandwiches, and much more. You also taught us that it is okay to cry in front of others. In a short time I grew to find you both as a third set of parents for myself, and I cherish you as if you were my flesh and blood. You’ve made  my experience over Easter break unforgettable and undeniably fantastic. The world of thanks to you and your strong, warm wisdom that could make even a stranger feel right at home.

Emma Hixon: Thanks for always keeping your cool around me and always being kind enough to chat with us. I will miss having you in classes back in Fullerton. It was way too fun. I’m glad we were able to spend time together and thanks so much for visiting us in London. It was a blast to have you around.

Jess Batty: You girl, are crazy. Please don’t ever change it though. It makes you the most amazingly bold person, and I heard someone say that there was not a mean bone in your body, and I agree with them. There really isn’t. You have always been super encouraging and always willing to have a good time. I can’t thank you enough for all the good times we have had. Thanks so much for everything, really.

Ida Vethe: You are such a strong and amazing person and I really appreciate the time I was able to spend with you. Thanks for always hanging around and putting up with us. It meant so much. I will always admire and remember your spirit. But more than that is your good humor. Never change, and good luck to you.

Becky Hadley: We never did get to do our Italian night and to be honest I’m a bit bumming about it. But I am really glad we met. You’re a really strong person and I really appreciate your help and patience throughout the show. Thanks for always being welcoming at the union and bar as well. It means a lot to me. Keep going strong and break a leg with whatever your plans may be.

BethAnne: I am appalled we didn’t hang out more. You’re a complete ball of fun. I really enjoyed the time we spent in Cardiff that day and all the tunes we sung in the car. The memory wouldn’t be complete without you and the entire trip was just made more by your presence. Thanks so much.

Nikki Brookes: You know when I first met you I was intimidated by you. My best friend back home is very motherly, and yet- I didn’t get that from you until ‘Oh What a Lovely War’. Not that you were motherly, but that you were always concerned with how we were doing and what was going on with us. It made me feel right at home, and It was always nice to know you would listen to my random conversation topics. You are strong and warm and you are the voice of reason to many. I have grown to look up to you greatly, and to top it off, your singing voice is amazing. Live, laugh, and love- you deserve it. And thank you.

Tom Monty: You’re coming to live with us, so I’m not writing this horribly depressing paragraph to you. I just can’t do it. No, seriously though, you have been such a picker upper for me. Thanks for listening to me rant about guys and always being the one willing to hang, take photos, or even dye hair. Your hugs have always comforted me and your aloof coolness for things has kept me calm. I really think you embody the saying ‘Keep calm and Carry on’. Photo shoots will never be the same without you. Please come to California. Aly and I would simply adore having you there. You’ve been a great friend and a real priceless piece to this trip. There are no words for how much I will miss you. Keep your confidence and ‘strut’, it makes you the fabulous Monty. Most of all, never lose your faith in love. It’s kept me believing.

Simon Mullins: Thanks for all the hugs and talks. Really, you have always been willing to give me a guy hug when I needed one. And all the chats were extremely helpful.  I can’t thank you enough for being supportive and friendly to me and I think of you almost as a brother. Hopefully my brother can one day be as kind and charismatic as you. Go out and conquer, Simon- and don’t forget to lock your door.

Mathew Crewe: I keep starting all of these with the word ‘thanks’ but really I just keep thanking everyone. So guess what I’m going to do with you? Thank you, for all the times you pushed me and all the chats we had. I really appreciated all the compliments you gave me and all the times you bought me drinks. I really do owe you one.

Nia : I will always remember your hair mustache that day in Lamperter. You are simply hilarious and just too much fun to be around. I am ashamed we didn’t hang out more. Thanks for all the enthusiasm and welcome you showed us and keep up the high spirits. They lift up everyone around you.

Tom Owen: Oh what a lovely war would not have been the show it was for me without your constant stream of jokes and insight. I will also always remember how shocked I was when you came up to me and asked me about comic con. I pray one day you get to go- you’d have a blast. Keep up the smiles and good humor, it has always been a help to me. More importantly, thank you, for always asking me how I was doing and always taking the time to stop and chat. It has been a blast.

Lou: Your wacky creativity inspires me and impresses me. They weren’t kidding when they said you were not what you appeared. It only makes me happier that there are more people out in the world like that, and you rise above them all. Thanks for letting me take photos for you, and thanks for always being so nice. I know I say it to everyone, the nice thing and all, but I really mean it.

Ralph: I’m just going to miss you. We definitely need more people like you back in Fullerton. Thanks for showing me your drawings and letting me be a nerd around you. Your artwork is really good and as long as you get rid of the spider I am always willing to come hang out to see them haha. You’ve inspired me to maybe try out dungeons and dragons- should I ever get better at gaming. Thanks so much for your support and humor. It helped me through a lot.

Sarah: I have you to thank for always making sure we get out of our caves and hang. You also have always made sure we had a dance partner at the union. Honestly, you have a strong and good temperament that makes you easy to be around. I will definitely miss having you around all the time to keep us laughing. Thanks for taking me to Llansteffan and also dragging us to Jacksons. Partying with you has never been a dull moment.

Stacey: Also, thank you for taking us to Llansteffan and putting up with my photography. Thanks for also always trying to include us and always following along with us in Shakespeare. Your smile was always very pretty and uplifting. Your facial expressions are also extremely fun to watch. Thanks for your support in my blog writing and commenting well on it. It gave me confidence to keep writing it.

Fran: Girl…thank you, just,- thank you. You have always been helpful and giving about everything and you have always been willing to hang or chat. It’s been a blast and I’ll never forget Jacksons. Thank you, so very much.

Kelly: Thanks for always being so kind and caring about us. You are an amazing person to hang around and your generosity is refreashing. Be strong and keep up that big heart of yours. It always lit up my day.

Shane: What can I say? Really, you’ve made every night out a blast. Honestly I cant thank you enough for always being willing to hang out with us and joke around with us. It made us all feel right at home. I wish you best of luck with your goals, whatever they are. You where really fun to be around and I’ll never forget it.

Andrew: Dude, best of luck to you with Michael Dyer and the Shakespeare thing. You made my time here hilarious and your humor was always a breath of fresh air. I’m a bit sad I couldn’t say good bye to you before you left, but I’m excited for you and I will definitely miss you and your jokes. It was always a blast to argue with you. Thanks for keeping it cool.

Becky: I know I can always count on you for a good dance partner. Thank you so much for being so welcoming to us, and always enthusiastic when we arrived. It helped out confidence greatly, and we always had a friend to turn to. Thanks so very much for everything and keep it up.

Karl: Thanks for always being there to give hugs and smiles. It was really up lifting. Also, thanks for always dancing with us at the union. I really appreciate your kindness and the personal talks helped quite a bit too. I will really miss you, and your accent which I always found to put a grin on my face. Keep smiling and keep being yourself. I could always count on you for a good laugh.

Hannah B: You’re sitting right next to me when I type this, and I find that semi-hilarious. Working with you has been a blast, and you remind me of my friends back home, which has helped to get me confident in my return journey. It’s been a bit of fresh air around you as well. I can’t thank you enough for being enthusiastic about my ideas in our absurd piece and always being the one willing to try. Our walk to Tescos and back was lovely and I greatly appreciate it. It’s one of those memories I wish I had photos of. I know I will probably think of you when I cook brownies from here on out.

April: Being in the absurd group with you was so much fun. Your relaxed and gentle nature was very calming and you always kept us on track when we deviated from the subject. Likewise, your acceptance of us internationals was amazing, and I thank you for it. Break a leg in your future endeavors and continue to have confidence in where you are going. You can make it.

To the Rest of the Second Years: You guys absolutely rock. I owe every single one of you credit for helping me to break out of my shell and try new things. I also owe it to every single one of you to being open and supportive as well as a bit stubborn in keeping me from being a cave bat. Your motivation and excitement at working together and trying new things is also quite admirable. It is with a heavy heart that I must leave you, and all the fun, exuberant, moments that you provided. You all have a habit of looking at life optimistically, and turning it into one giant adventure- and I wish so badly to have been able to continue it with you.

To the Rest of the Third Years: Your enthusiasm and willingness to accept us was beyond astounding. Likewise, your perseverance and motivation for your art is beyond inspiring. I give a round of applause to all of your great work and love, and my deepest gratitude for your open and kind attitudes towards us. You made this semester one of the best, if not the best, I’ve ever had. I will never forget any of you and you all deserve a personal shout out and it is most unfortunate that I have a word cap keeping me from doing so. (Also a time limit as I have procrastinated on this for too long). But know that as you graduate and go on, you are all a family and as a family you have worked together to make your way, and because you have stayed as a family…through all the hardships and drama- you all have what it takes to be successful. I hope that you all stay in touch with each other, and continue to make memories. It was so fun to watch you, and for however short of a time, be a part of it with you.

To the Halliwell Ladies: Thank you for always laughing at my jokes, and odd sense of humor- and also thank you for laughing and smiling kindly when I commented delightfully on the food. Your food was amazing and your service was comforting. Again, thank you.

To Caroline (Warden of Non): Best Warden ever. You solved the problem with fridge food stealing and I am seriously impressed. You kicked butt this year. Thanks for making my stay comfortable and enjoyable.

One things I’ve learned, is the power of the word ‘yes’. We say ‘no’ all the damn time, and people begin to understand the feeling of rejection, restraint, longing, defiance, etc. But for some odd reason, ‘yes’ is a much more…under spoken word. We replace it with ‘you betcha’ or ‘yah’ or ‘sure’. But the word ‘yes’ itself, for me has always meant commitment. I’m always slightly happier to hear the full word, ‘yes’. When I ask something and someone takes the time to reply ‘yes’- it just seems so much more of the word. It was a word I was determined to use more often when I came here. At times I regret it, others- I was all too happy I did, but most important was that I could never bring myself to want to have changed it.  And I now realize, this makes absolutely no sense. None. Sorry about that…I’m wasting word count words on babbling.

There’s a lingering question I keep asking myself....who was I when I left, and will I ever be that person again? It feels oddly like I'm playing the parent trap game, switching places into another persons life.

I’ll have to manage somehow. Because I am finding myself at the end of the semester, and slightly less sad- the end of the blog.  Don’t worry, there will be a p.s. blog which will have the full overview and evaluation for the whole semester trip, if anyone still cares enough to read it. Hopefully, since it will probably end up being the essay I need to turn in to get credit for this overly expensive vacation. Then again, probably not.

I am on my way home with one thing really in mind. As I now (since this blog was typed over the span of three weeks) sit in the union waiting for open mic night (and my last night probably seeing this bar)- I keep finding myself trying to block out the fact that in 48 hours I will be sitting on a plane. Probably in the same position I found myself sitting on the plane on the way over here- crying and watching films while I attempt sleeping. Except that time I was crying because I was worried about leaving home for the first time for an extended amount of time, and with no way to get home should I need it’s comfort. This time it will because I don’t want to return to that same home I found so much comfort in. Not if it means leaving all these amazing people. Beyond that, I find myself also considering what type of person I will be when I return, and what type of people my friends will be. No doubt five months has changed them as well. Alberie and I kept discussing that flaws of the Study Abroad program. Aside from all the disorganization, the main point we found was that while they give you workshops to help you learn how to integrate into a different culture and  other such things, they never once give you any sort of advice on how to integrate back into home culture. Maybe that is why I feel so lost and unsure about what is around the corner. Not even a clue. ---aside from the obvious clue of summer school and then straight into school. I just wish I could pack you all into a bag with me. Really.

Wow, I just feel so weird writing all that cheesy feeling, but it’s honestly how I am feeling. Just a whole bunch of unsure, and insecure. I mean, I’ve been trying to cry for three weeks to get out some pent up frustration and anxiety without any form of success what so ever. I’ve been reenacting scenes from ‘The Holiday’  because of it. I’m so mad at the idea that I can’t cry right now, one because it causes my emotions to push harder at the already cracked glass and two, because I know the moment I find the trigger- which will probably be tomorrow when I’m saying goodbye to everyone- I will be bawling uncontrollably. Embarrassing, and I would much rather leave with a smile.

This entire trip has been full of memories and great adventures, all shoved into four modules in five months with a whole bunch of new friends and family along the way. I’ve accomplished things I set out to do, and even more is that I have accomplished things I would never have dared to dream about doing. I have had my first real kiss, my first night sitting over the porcelain god, my first time taking shots that taste better then cheap Savon Drugs quality vodka, first time clubbing, first time taking a full photo shoot at a castle, first time traveling London by myself, first time to Ireland, first time to Scotland, first time experiencing a real college life, first time to Wales…..but it won’t be the last. I wrote a letter to myself at the beginning of this trip. It was one of the things we were required to do for the program send off. I carefully wrote my letter to a future self that I could never even imagine, well, I tried. Guess what? I’m completely different from how I imagined. The letter talked about many things, mainly reminding myself to get my mom’s tea cozy and things ‘not-to-do’ and things ‘to-do’….but mainly it was a set of questions. Eager and excited.

As I went through the list, I felt proud that I could answer ‘yes’ to many of the questions, and even better what that the answered where varied. I just can’t thank you all enough for making my stay just that amazing. I don’t know what to do without you now that I have you. It seems so unfair, and yet it only makes you more precious. So, what did I do with those rocks?

Each I marked carefully with a sharpie, not only my initials, but the castle they were gathered from. Tomorrow I plan to leave them at Dinefwr Castle (not only the place I plan to get married one day) but the place Alberie and I decreed the place “where we were happy”. I had planned to leave them at Llansteffan, but this works just as well. There they will stay with a silent wish. Hopefully one day I can collect and leave more in the same place.

 

<3 Stefani.

 

p.s. AMERICA WALES, FUCK YAH!




Hello all!!!! Sorry I've been gone for a while traveling around the UK. Due to frequent lack of internet I was unable to update you on my progress. Due to the amount of traveling and occurrences.....well, I'll just stay with a light over view. Otherwise I'll have to cut this blog in two again...I hate doing that.

Song of the blog--- Walls (Trapt)

Spring Break:

3 weeks of the most emotional roller-coaster I've had in my life, probably. By the way, please excuse the typos and grammar mistakes now- as I am being lazy and not typing this in word or making too much of a natural effort. It's easier to type straight from the heart and memories when you throw accuracy to the wind. Anyway, roller coaster. It started out with, as many good trips do- stress. WE almost missed out train and Alberie had to quite literally jump on the train as it pulled out of the station. Now that I look back on it, it was a rather exciting movie moment in real life. We were forced to stay the night in Chester and while it turned out alright, we were NOT happy about a 90 minute layover turning into a 9 hour layover. I, of course, conveniently blame the internet. So we finally got to Ireland and spent our first night in a Hostel. Got to our trip and spent the week in a series of extremely nice hotels, traveling around probably the most beautiful landscape in the world, and eating some of the best food with some of the best people. I would not have traded the week for anything, and of course I met some extremely nice new friends of all ages. What better way to live your life? I got to learn what Irish coffee was all about, got to learn a little more about their history, and my favorite part- their legends. Beyond that I now have a new favorite joke, courtesy of our bus driver. My favorite memory was probably the Cliffs of Moher. Huge, black cliffs that plummet straight into the sea. Covering their tops is lush, green grass that contrasts the gray sky perfectly. I didn't think I would have the strength to leave those cliffs. It inspired me- that is for sure. Certainly for sure. One of the other good memories of Ireland was the night at the Bunratty Castle hotel. I somehow managed to miss the driver telling us that the mede was actually alcoholic and that they would refill your empty glass as much as you wished. It later came to bite me once I started drinking the no-end-to-the-refills on wine. Needless to say I was a little gone, especially at the pub later that evening where for the first time I was finally able to down an entire pint of Guinness. I almost died, but hey- it was worth it. I knew Scotland would have a hard time of topping Ireland. The first night in Edinburgh was fun up until after the ghost tour. First bad part of the night was that I had tripped and fallen over a loose stone and hit my side rather hard. So I got a kebab to make me feel better, but found I was having trouble eating it. So I when back to the hostel and put it in the fridge only to find I couldn't find my ipod. NO WAY IN HELL, was I going to be able to sleep with someone breathing in my ear without my ipod. I didn't want to wake the room by lugging my stuff into the hall and throwing it around to look for it, so I used a tiny reading light to see- which still wasn't enough to see. Some Spanish guy was the only one bothered by it, and even his girlfriend was sleeping fine through me- and I was being quiet. He persisted to wake up the entire room by turning on the main light and shouting at me to get into the hall and then when I got rather angry and snapped off the light much to the rest of the rooms happiness he shouted at me again with derogatory statements and then began to cuss me out in Spanish. Thank you Erica for teaching me half the words he used....and Geez, if you're going to cuss someone out either do it to their face or make sure they can't understand you first. It took every ounce of pride and self restraint I had to just roll my eyes at him and crawl back into bed- ipod less. He left moments later and slammed the door leaving the light on. I got up and turned it off. The room sighed and was asleep again- and I was heading in for the most restless night of my life, silently fighting back a flurry of angry tears. Exhaustion makes it easier to cry. Later that morning I went to retrieve the one beckon of hope in my dark day, my kebab. Im not kidding when I say my food is a lot of the time my favorite part of the day- and I go to get it only to find that someone had not only eaten it, but put the empty box and fork back in the exact same place. I have never felt fury rise in me so fast - EVER. I quickly left before I did something extremely stupid. I was in the street with my suitcases and ready to go when I found out I had left my phone there. In the end- the perfect FML moment was now complete with a cherry on top. Dont worry, Alberie was nice enough to go and retrieve the phone for me- since I was in a right state.


The rest of Scotland was cursed after that moment. I was particularly moody and indifferent. It didn't help that I was looking for a gift for a person I wasn't sure was even going to accept it. But when I want to give people things, I give it. Scotland had different but equally as gorgeous landscape. I found myself feeling as though I was constantly in a Lord of the Rings sequel film. -300 year in the future of Middle Earth. It was at least fun to follow the fantasy.The third and final Hostel was amazing and made up for every bad experience thus far. However, the last night in Edinburgh made me feel nothing by lonely and while we made some new friends while we went out on a pub crawl....I couldn't stop thinking how empty it all seemed to me. I would have much rather curled up with my book at that point. Drowning ones emotions in alcohol is never the smart answer, but can you blame me for trying stubbornly to have a good time? Maybe you can. Anyway I dont remember going home very well- just the fog and mist and for once sourly hoping i would turn into a thriller movie and I could spend the rest of my night running from a rabid vampire. no luck, and I woke up with an obscenely heavy hang over the next day. My fault, and I know it.....but now I've learned boys and girls, Alcohol NEVER solves your problems. Ever. So the next was Caroline's house. Already we were back to a good start. I almost cried seeing a familiar face. We spent the week having tea and picnics outside in the sun by the river near their house and we ate extremely well and filled ourselves with restful and peaceful joy. It was at this time I realized I would try my utmost to come back to Wales...soon. Maybe next summer, or spring break- but I knew I would never be able to keep myself away for too long. For once in my existence I was living it. Not just running around, staring from behind a screen- but living, breathing, and feeling. As painful as it could be, I didn't want to go back to avoiding emotion all together. Besides, it felt like home. London was just as fun and eventful as I remember it, and I had a blast dragging Jeffery around behind me. Poor guy had to deal with me getting him lost every five minutes we were left remotely alone. The Royal Wedding made me meet with the familiar green face of envy. It was the PERFECT fairytale wedding. Absolutely perfect. All my childhood dreams were simultaneously revived and I was reminded of the time I played with Barbies in my house- playing out my perfect dream life. Oh nostalgia! Well, after leaving with a mind full of elaborate schemes to nab the last royal bachelor and having had our faces on multiple news stations, I was beginning to feel very content about how Easter Break had gone. The best was traveling back to Carmarthen with a extremely full car; full of hearty luggage, full of people I love, and full of great music and awesome scenery. Easter Break was a success.

Monday:
Was a bank holiday, and I think I spent most of the day sleeping. Pretty sure I spent a majority of it sleeping. I can't exactly remember what I did, although I'm positive it was mostly internet catch up. I was glad to have strong and steady internet. Even better was the longest day of the year event. I didn't go out till about  9pm, but I thoroughly enjoyed seeing everyone again. I have never before felt so inclined to glomp people in my life. If I could have taken the whole of Carmarthenshire with me on my trip- make no mistake, I would have. I was out of money, and thus sat tight with water. What a beautiful drink water is. I was still recovering from Edinburgh anyway.

Tuesday:
First day of absurd (aptly named Blood Spurt). It was exciting to be back in school, although having just signed up for summer classes, I was glad this was more of a tutorial than an actual monotonous class. It was fun to roll around and move without much thought, although I have never been a big fan of absurd theater. I spend most of my day trying to make sense of things....not trying to makes things make no sense. It's difficult for me. But I was having fun anyway.  Some part of me missed my friends in the 3rd year. It had been like family during Oh What a Lovely War, and in a way...since I had yet to see any of them...it was like treasured people from my memories had vanished.

Wednesday: More absurd, and the more absurd it all got. HOW DO YOU EVEN DO THAT?! I don't understand the concept! Windows vs. Walls---- what is this madness?! Someone help me because I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall trying to figure this out. I get it, it's NOT supposed to make sense. BUT WHAT USE IS THAT?! gah!!!!!

Ahem. Dont get me wrong. I'm having a blast killing Ralph every day. (just kidding). But seriously, gets out a lot of pent up frustration and annoyance. I guess that is one good side to the class. I have a feeling by the time this is over though, I will be more then grateful for some order and peace. The day only got better when Jim gave us a two hour lecture on 'life' itself. I think my brain started to just turn to ashes. That night was fun, but I was so tired that I found myself sneaking away from the night to crawl into that glorious invention called bed. Now if Non would turn on the heaters I might actually be able to enjoy sleep.

Thursday
: song and word day in absurd. Lots of fun! Movie day with Metropolis. Okay....I am not going to lie, I was glad when that film ended. I couldn't end my fascination with the fact the main guy had darker lips than anyone else in the movie. It looked creepy. That night Alberie and I went to spend some time with the Oh What a Lovely War cast again. We were rehearsing for the show on Saturday to raise money for two memorials to be erected. I could hardly contain how excited I was to be there. Seeing everyone, being with everyone- it was like a giant family reunion that I had been waiting for for months. I didn't even want to leave when it was over, staying longer to help Andy put away chairs and dance around.

Friday: hello absurd. I am ready to great you with a sunny disposition and a new day and you greet me with fear and violence. THERE IS A REASON I DONT LIKE YOU. Today was a rather interesting day of improve, and it was fun to have most the day to explore the concept of 'It's not about the dogs'. But really- it is, isn't it? I mean, no matter what we did, it would ultimately connect to the dogs. Granted, I was finally starting to get it. Emotion, not story, just raw emotion. How I got that? Well....being locked in a room with people slowly surrounding you and yelling at you.....it works wonders for learning the point behind absurd theater. wonders. Luckily I had a crying buddy in Karl. I was literally sobbing, and then I was spending the rest of the bleeding day overly embarrassed for my display.Jim later took us in to describe our projects. FINALLY, A SCRIPT. thats supposed to make sense right?!!! RIGHT?!...................................should have known better.

That night I was glad to head to the union for a couple of drinks. My nerves where frazzled and I was officially DONE with the week. I went to Aprils party first, enjoying the idea of hanging with my new class pals. It's nice to get to know everyone better and share  in the fun with them. Alberie and I drank shots together in order to keep me from being lame and to my great excitement...it was pouring outside. We spent a good while outside dancing in the rain. There is something oddly comforting about the way rain his you and runs down your face and arms. It was cold, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I love rain, and finally I got to do what I had been secretly longing to do since I first made attempts to come to this place-....dance until my stomach was sore from laughing so hard. I spent the rest of the night trying to make sure Alberie did NOT hold back just because I was there. She needed to have fun, and just because I royally screwed up- she didn't have to pity and follow me. As soon as she was with the person successfully, I took the chance to duck out of sight and back home. It inspired hope in me, seeing the way she ran to catch up with him, laughing. I gave what I'd been meaning to do for a month a try. Giving up and letting go...well I've never been good at it. Like hell I'm going to start now. However, I was going to have to give up for the night on trying to catch up with internet shenanigans. I spent the night shivering and coughing because of the rain dancing. NOW i know why people don't do that. I managed to fall asleep around 6am.

Saturday: I woke up around 3, having slept very little and forced myself into the shower. It was physically painful. I don't think I ever spent so much time glaring at a shower head in my life. Predictably, I got out quickly and ducked into my room to change and I was ready for the concert WELL before we had to leave. I had even put my wet hair up. Then came the attempts to get some food into my system. I spent more time staring at the cup of veggie soup than I did drinking it. I maybe got three good sips before pouring it out and calling is quits. Alberie and I ran out a little early and saw Ollie and Towen wearing nicer suit jackets. We exchanged glances before running back inside to grab a nicer set of clothing. We weren't dressed badly, but we still felt under dressed. Now we were late and found ourselves running towards the cars. We squished in the back with Andy, Towen getting the front because of his height. The drive was pleasant and oddly calming compared to the rather violent night I had had. I found myself feeling exhausted. I HAD MISSED Llansteffan. I really had. In all of Wales, it is my favorite place. I could smell the rain on the air too and was instantly set at ease by it. We rehearsed a bit - myself a bit focused on the splitting head ache i was having. Everyone then went to eat at the local pub, but because I had er....been unable to make the necessary meeting with an ATM I was unable to get something myself. So, skint and not really hungry anyway, I took the chance to wander around with Monty and Midd. Although we failed in our attempts to find an open chip shop, we had a nice walk with some rather beautiful scenery. It was nice and relaxing and like I've said- homey and family-esc. I was glad to be back with the guys. We soon returned to the group and Monty and I commenced eating the condiment packages on the table to curve our hunger. LET ME JUST SAY- plain ketchup is GROSS! I cringed away from trying anymore. Luckily Emma and Amy came to our rescue with left overs. Sadly, I had brought my Bloodspurt work so i could hopefully get a good crack at it but it was to no avail. We went back in to watch the show and wait for our own turn. I enjoyed the show and laughed extremely hard at the 'two little Welsh girls' song- at least when I wasn't asking Monty was they were saying half the time. Soon it was our turn and I had a blast being back up on the stage with everyone- well...more with everyone than actually back on the stage. I would have had just as much fun sitting with Andy pressing the play button. I laughed and enjoyed myself and didn't stop to think-....in just three weeks I would be going home, and all of this would be out of my reach, forever held with me but out of reach.

That night we went to Jacksons and Spread Eagle. The guard is getting used to me showing up with a passport now. I stuck to coke and water for my choice drinks of the evening. I had drunken WAY to much the night before. Coke helped the head ache, and after much pestering, a little hair of the dog helped the stomach. Water helped the exhaustion. It was a rather nice cure. Would someone mind telling me how much it would cost to dig up Carmarthen and bring it with me???  I had a blast. More of one, when I snuck out of spread to grab myself a kebab. Oh how good it was to have cash back in my pocket. Monty had lost his card to the same machine and I felt awful about it, but suddenly fearful to return to that same machine. I couldn't finish my kebab and so I sat outside Spread for a while, watching the rain. God, I really must thank you for giving me so much rain this week. I really appreciated it. It wasn't long until the gang was ready to leave and the few of us in Nikki's car bolted through the rain to get home. I went straight to bed and crashed, hard.

Sunday: YAY FINALLY!!! GOOD NIGHT SLEEP!!! I woke up actually feeling HAPPY. Today was wings day. I spent most of the morning watching Road to El Dorado and eating my kebab left overs in bed. It was actually very nice. I finally forced myself out into the air around 1pm and headed into town with Caroline, the sun shining on our backs. Admittedly, it was a gorgeous day. We managed to grab some subway and wander around for a bit before doing one stop shopping for all the supplies at Wilcos. (sp?) After which I raced to my hair appointment. In the time it took me to run from Wilkos to the hair place the sun had vanished and the rain had started. I found myself laughing at the bipolar weather. god bless it, seriously, god bless it. Caroline then returned home and started to work wire into wings. It was a lot harder then it looked online. Meanwhile my mom skyped me and happily reminded me that I had forgotten (unlike my dear twin sister) to wish her happy mothers day. Silly me-....I had even been reminded, twice. Oops. She also told me I should have a package- for which I found myself running to the porters lounge to pick up. I had multiple packages. I love my birthday. I went back and spent the rest of the day fighting wire, tights and paint to make a nice pair of wings for my party with Caroline. We had a lot of fun watching people come in and out of the kitchen with really confused looks on their faces. It was about 9pm when we finally finished and made rounds to show off. I was proud of my little dragon wings. I spent the next hour running around campus, desperate for a coke. What does a girl have to do to get a coke without a machine eating her money?!!

Monday (today):

Hello fun day. I had a brilliant dream. I would like to take the time to thank god for not only blessing me with two riveting dreams of awesomeness, but also for the gorgeous bipolar weather. It might not be just for my birthday, but there's no harm in saying so. The first dream included and elaborate dream of epic fairy tale proportions. I couldn't have been happier. I felt like singing a certain Cinderella song as I woke up at 6am to my friend skyping me. I attempted to stay awake and sound it as we spoke but eventually she let me off and I went back to sleep- this time dreaming of an action packed war zone. I could see the setting perfectly, I was crouched behind a terrace on a bridge over a swamp dock. A helocopter was shooting at my comrades, but I was lucky enough to be behind so many obstacles that it couldn't shoot me directly. I felt no fear in the dream, just adrenaline. I saw my sister get shot behind me and I was lucky to find someone to take her back to saftey via the boat docks under the bridge. However, I had to stay behind and fight. Christ, where was the fear? I felt so bad ass when I finally woke up. Slinking off to breakfast I managed to eat something in my tired state. Alberie looked happy and it made my mood brighten a bit as well. I met with my group at 11 and everything seemed to go perfectly with plans for the big project. Exciting thus far. I headed back to my room to take a nap and found that it only made me more tired- figures. With a head ache I finally forced myself t get back up and  head to the Holywell to grab myself a treat lunch. Just a note, because there is a slight possibility this person is reading this- news flash, I saw you, and yes...I kept my back turned so you could exit quietly- but also note you made me laugh considerably afterwords. It was cute at least, and I can appreciate it. But I did see you. I treated myself to a vegetable potato which tasted ten times better than it looked and have since been sitting in my room typing this thing. Good Birthday so far? If this is the way to say good by to the teen years, I'd say it sums it up pretty well.

Live with vivid dreams and determination, work hard and dont let illness take you down, watch as love flits in and out of your view with strength and gratefulness, let the weather inspire you and let the scenery entrance you, ...most importantly, let a good movie and some good food fill you up with the simple happiness that life always has to offer. Thanks everyone for the Birthday Wishes, they mean the world to me. And I would trade none of you, and give up none of you for anything. You will forever be in my life, and even longer in my heart.

Stefani.

silent letter.

Dear _______,

I am probably going to hit myself if I accidentally press the send button. Then again it might not be on accident since some part of me is dying to actually send this. Not that I should be saying much of anything, already attempted to clear the air and all- and I'm trying to leave you alone because you said you didn't know how to act around me and I would feel right awful if I kept trying to pester you to speak to me again.

But some part of me is just too pissed off to wait anymore, especially wait until after Easter break. Yes, let me be petty and immature for FIVE  minutes and send you another rant chat. Let me be bipolar! I am mad at you- and really I have no real reason to be. You know, I was excited to get you in my group for Lamperter. I was ecstatic- "yes" I thought "Today, maybe, I can fix the problem. Maybe today I can catch him looking at me, and that will give me the strength to chat with him, maybe today we can actually start back" Which really I have no right to think that way- and I know I don't. But I do. and I was down right pissed off when you left after your turn. I mean, I understand it probably had nothing to do with me- but hey, a girl gets thoughts and these thoughts have a good grip on the imagination. The worst part was, I could only get more and more angry because how much disappointment you leaving early made me feel. I wanted to get a taxi and right up smack you in the face....only after you left. Some part of me was panicking when you first asked to be taken. Not even just some part, all of me- I was numb with shock and panic.

Even better was that this was not the first time I felt this. The first time was when you left Tom Owens birthday early- again probably not because of me, but still....and then I got angry when I saw you were in a relationship. Really angry, after the shock of course. But I forced myself to 'like' the post because it was good for you, and if you were happy I could bite my tongue. But I was hurt, and that was what made me angry- since I dont believe I have any right to feel this way. Then, to figure out it was with your room mate and in an odd way- a joke (hopefully). I can't tell you the amount of relief I felt....I EVEN CRIED. And then I got angry, wanting to hit you again for making me feel so confused. It's your fault, all of it. I dont even want to go on the epic spring break I have planned because I know I wont see you on it. And that is hard-...why did I ever ignore you? I hate this. I hate feeling like this. Feeling confused and jumbled- no priorities and all lost in my sense of self and place.

You make me angry, you make me blush, and the worst is that I constantly want you to look at me. Even though I did what I did, no matter the intention, I still want you to look at me. If only you could look at me, maybe you would be able to see that I still wanted this. Even a month... even if it is only a month. And I think that is the part that pisses me off the most. How is it you get me to feel so many emotions in only a short span of time? How is it you get me wondering what it is you're thinking about almost every minute of the day? How is it that I care for you probably more then you will ever care for me...and yet I will probably never be able to actually 'send' this. I most definitely will never be strong enough to say it, because no matter how much I just want to walk up to you and kiss you- I am stopped dead in my tracks. After all, I'm supposed to be leaving you alone... and in a way that is what kills. I hope you have a great time on your easter break, meet some girl who takes your breathe away, and I dunno get wasted and have crazy wild amazing sex. Most of all, have a euphoric time...and come back so happy that you dont care about me at all- maybe then we can be friends again. I really hope so. But you'll probably never read this, and I guess I will continue going right on and leaving you alone. At least you know, I'm thinking about you. This sounds like some cliche movie, but even so- I hope you read this. I really hope you read this.

-well...you know who.


GAH! even worse Is that I keep coming back to add more to this! You sang, on karaoke night, and you sang so well- I felt like a little girl. GOD IM SO MAD AT YOU! I get the lyrics to so many songs now! How is it I get those lyrics and we haven't even done anything huge or major!? Doesn't it take something major. Even if you yell at me to leave you alone, it wont matter- because no matter how hurt I'll be, I'll still think. You make me want to do the most fantastical things, and then you take away all confidence and strength I have in order to do them. Some part of me knows, that tonight as I'm sitting at the union- I'll be staring at the door, hoping that you'll appear. And I'll be just as disappointed to not see your figure, as I will when I ascend my stairs and find my empty door locking my empty room. A beacon of light for lingering imaginings.

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